You want to help your parents or other senior loved ones enjoy a long, health life, but if you don’t approach health conversations with care and respect, your best intentions could get the worst reactions. Even well-meaning family members and friends can fall into stereotypes of believing seniors can’t hear, see, or remember well, causing them to make bold statements about senior health and living situations.
“Discussions pertaining to our aging parents’ health-related needs can be emotionally charged and subject to misunderstandings and potential conflicts,” says Jody Gastfriend, LICSW, vice president of care management at Care.com in Waltham, Mass. “In addition, there are topics that may be awkward and potentially embarrassing, such as personal hygiene and self-care.”
Though there’s no doubt these conversations need to be had, the way in which they’re approached can make all the difference. Here are some key mistakes to avoid:
- Don’t be too bossy. Resist taking control with a statement like, “Dad, you are not safe living at home on your own, so I have arranged to have a caregiver come several times a week to help with household chores and to keep an eye on you.” Instead, try to start the conversation with concern and in such a way as to elicit feedback from the senior. For example, to express the same sentiments, yet enable the senior to maintain a sense of control, say, “Dad, I’m worried about your heart condition, and being home alone all the time isn’t safe. I wonder whether it might be a good idea to get some extra help.”
- Don’t use admonitions or scare tactics — like, “If you don’t take better care of yourself you’re going to end up in a nursing home” — to motivate action. This approach can lead to more resentment, anxiety, and fear. Expressing concern and exploring senior housing options slowly, over a period of time, is less threatening and offers the senior the chance to adjust to the idea.
- Don’t sweat the small stuff. Sometimes seniors tell the same story over and over. Let it go. Don’t say, “You told me this already.” Instead, listen patiently. (If serious memory lapses like forgetting to take medication are happening also, contact the senior’s physician.)
- Don’t start conversations with a demand like “you need to” or “you must.” That can trigger resentment. More gentle statements, like “I have observed,” “I am concerned,” or “I want to be helpful,” generally work better.
- Don’t be discouraging. Instead of telling seniors what they can’t do, emphasize what they can. Also, keep in mind that it’s never too late for healthy aging and making changes for a healthier lifestyle.
- Don’t be passive when it comes to senior health. Don’t just answer questions raised by the senior — become an active participant. Many people may not know the right questions to ask, so proactively researching, raising questions, and helping educate the elder on aging and age-related changes can be very helpful.
- Don’t do nothing. It might be easier sometimes to keep one’s mouth shut and look the other way, but that doesn’t serve anyone if the senior needs help. Raise important topics, but try to do so as gently and politely as possible.
Finally, understand that health conversations can be difficult and uncomfortable, and it’s not a terrible thing to admit that. “Often the people who are most uncomfortable with health-related or death-related discussions are younger family members,” notes Jena Kravitz, PsyD, a clinical neuropsychologist at the Good Samaritan Hospital in Los Angeles. “One reason for this may be attributed to a younger person’s perception of illness and death as something very foreign and frightening.”
Ultimately, no matter the topic or final decision, the most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open.
—By Kristen Stewart
